Guess How Many Five Year Olds I Could Take In A Fight?

According to this thorough but somewhat non-scientific calculation, I could take 34. Personally, with the pressure on, and real motivation, like, say, a dollar per kid, I think I could easily clear 50.  Or, if they were particularly mouthy, obnoxious five year olds, perhaps as many as 60. Remember the scene in the second Matrix movie when Neo is fighting the Smiths on the playground, and he takes one and throws him into the crowd, knocking the other Smiths down like so many bowling pins? Oh yeah, that would totally be me.

Go here and take the test. Let me know how you do.

Paul Anka Smells Like Teen Spirit… And Man Does It Stink

This is the most disgusting thing I have ever seen… and what happens when the label owns the masters and the rights to a song.

And what is it with these old guys tanning themselves bright orange? Wayne Newton, Angelo Mozilo, and now Paul Anka. He looks like a pork rind… and I am guessing this is a good day. On a bad day, I thinking the look is more akin to Leatherface from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre or one of those mountain creatures from the first Star Wars.

Sinatra never tanned. And up until the point he was in a wheelchair and drooling on himself, he could have had any woman in the world. These guys… whew. Scary.

Earnings Defy The Odds

Goldman Sachs earnings crushed. Still, the majority of put options on it that expire on Friday are at $200, which is $10 less than where it opened pre-market… so look for it to be pressured down.

Adobe crushed… and so did Best Buy. Both are good for Apple… Adobe demonstrates general health in the software market, and Best Buy shows health in electronics retail… also Apple has mini-stores in a good number of Best Buy stores. Apple also announced that they are talking to NTT to sell the iPhone in Japan, which is easily the most sophisiticated smartphone market in the world. Japan’s public transit has a robust roll-out of a pay system using phone-based chips. So look for Apple to bring some new innovations to the iPhone just to keep up. They are very equal to the task.

Look for Adobe, Apple, and Best Buy to rally into year end, and maybe look to sell into strength.

Disclosure: As of publication, I am long AAPL, though positions are subject to change at any moment. I am not a professional, but I am trying this at home. It is highly recommended that you consult a licensed financial advisor or broker before making any and all investment decisions.

I Don’t Know Whether To Be Impressed Or Frightened, So I Am Doing Both

Have you seen the new feature on Google Maps called Street View? I looked up my address and panned the camera. Simply amazing. And a little scary.

Wondering how they did it? Simple. Just click the mouse button and hold it down. then move the mouse upward.

The plan is to expand this to the 150 largest US cities.

The Mortgage Mess: How We Really Got Here; And What Happens Now?

A friend shared with me a very interesting supposition about the mortgage mess: That borrowers’ financial difficulties did not begin with the mortgage reset, but began even earlier with the increase in minimum payments for credit cards. Bowing to Congressional pressure, last year credit card companies upped the minimum monthly principal payment on credit cards, so as to facilitate people paying off their debts faster… and for borrowers in many cases, causing the minimum monthly payments to double or triple.

One would want to suppose that Congress was well-intentioned in their action, but how stupid can Congress be?  {that was rhetorical, I know they can be more stupid than anyone can imagine} They decree by fiat that card payments double, that it’s for the debtor’s own good, and they do so without any regard or consideration of the debtor’s ability to manage the higher payment. But with a strong job market, debtors found a way, as charge-off’s in the card sector did not markedly increase in the wake of the higher payments.

Now comes the reset of interest rates on mortgages, in most cases upping the monthly payment by hundreds of dollars.  Faced with the higher payments on both fronts, alot of borrowers threw in the towel. This has been especially prevalent in the last three or four months, where we have seen record foreclosures and huge amounts being written off by the financial institutions who bundled and resold the mortgages to investors.

To the rescue, here’s the President with a ”Subprime Solution” that essentially freezes mortgage interest rates for five years, thus at least delaying the painful reset of billions in mortgages, and the wave of foreclosures and write-offs that it would cause. To begin with, I am inherently nervous about the “we’re the government, we’re here to help” approach. History has clearly displayed that government interference in commerce to help one alledgedly disaffected group usually ends up making things far worse for everyone (think Sarbanes-Oxley).

Make no mistake about what is happening here. While the stated goal may be to give debtors a longer timetable to either sell or otherwise get out from under a problem mortgage, the actual outcome will be to postpone the inevitable. The group this plan targets are the most upside down, the most cash-strapped, and the least likely to be able to make payments regardless of circumstance. Borrowers who cannot afford those homes today will not be able to afford them five weeks, five months, or five years from now, and will end up in foreclosure sooner or later.

Now it may surprise you to hear this, but I am not a rocket scientist. And if I know this, the guys behind the bailout know this. So why are they doing it? Two reasons.

First it’s an election year. Enough said. Pandering bunch of schmucks. And we deserve every one of them because we keep electing them.

But mostly, this is a move to prop up the larger economy. Specifically, it is a move to help the banks and the brokerages who bundled these things into investment vehicles and who now are left holding the bag. These guys know that they will have to write the vast majority of this debt off, and in many cases they will be called to come up with vast sums of cash to fulfill the obligations of these failed investments. The lack of cash flow could mean selling off portions of their business, or face insolvency. If they have to write the debt down en masse in the next 12 months, there is a chance that one or more major financial institutions could go under. And trust me, though it might be more cathartic in the long run, in the short term having Citibank or Wells Fargo become insolvent would be a disaster for the stock market and send an EMP though the economy at large. Not to mention the FDIC would be on the hook for the deposit guarantees. But if you stretch the write-downs out over five years, these FIs will not only manage the write-downs, but manage them nicely. 

So what happens now? Maybe just maybe some homeowners will actually hang onto their houses, though it’s naive to think those who do will be smarter for the near-death experience. If anything, this sort of return from the brink only emboldens people further.

The banks and brokerages will have learned their lesson, that is until the cost of funds make this sort of risky investing attractive again. Two more half-point rate cuts and we’ll be right back there again. Otherwise, we’ll see it again in about 7-9 years (think: ”late 80s/ early 90s real estate and S&L disaster” bubble ends in 92. The “99 internet” bubble ends in 2001. The ”early 2000’s real estate” bubble ends in 2008. We’ll be back here in 2015 watching these clowns unwind their positions and wondering just how the hell anyone could be so stupid.

Disclosure: As of publication I have no positions in the stocks mentioned here. I am not a professional, but I am trying this at home. It is highly recommended that you consult a licensed financial advisor or broker before making any and all investment decisions.